‘There are people you love, and people you don’t yet know’

            There are very few jobs, if any that require no human contact. I think in almost every occupation, activity, or circumstance we find ourselves in, we find ourselves surrounded by people. Masses or individuals, we are constantly running into, meeting with, working with people. Now, in the motley crowd of people we work with and around, I’m guessing there are a couple that you ….don’t care for, as much as others. Is that a fair assumption?

            No don’t feel bad for that. I think almost naturally there are contrasting personalities, work styles, work ethics. No person is the same as the next, it’s amazing that way, how we are all different, built with different inclinations, reactions, circumstances, beliefs.

            I’ve been a part of many teams, partnerships, workplaces, groups, etc. Each was very different in how we worked through problems, brainstormed, discussed, and other aspects. And I will say, I did favor certain members of some of those groups as much as others. Given a choice of who to take a lunch break with, there were a couple at the bottom of the list.

            What I realized through my own experience with these groups and in talking to others about their experience, was that the separation was based on perception. I realized that I didn’t know the person as well as the others. Beyond the things they had said in meetings or what have you, my opinion of them was totally based on the fact that I didn’t agree with their suggestion for this presentation, their opinion of this policy, etc.

            I found that I was less willing to help them than the others I agreed with. I wondered why. And it is the quote at the beginning of this note. There are people you love, and people you don’t yet know. I was willing to help some of the team members and partners because I understood them. In a very real sense I wanted to help them because I knew them, knew their goals, their pasts, their opinions. I wanted to help all I could because I loved them.

            On the flip side, I found that I didn’t love the others, I didn’t want to help because they didn’t agree with me. But I didn’t know who they were beyond that. I knew nothing about how they grew up, their relationships, their work experience, I could not love because I didn’t know them.

            The key to cooperation, communication, I’ll go as far as say, the key to success, is love. Love for our purpose here defined as a genuine engaged interest in others, an understanding of them and a desire to help them improve or pursue the goals they have. This is what makes a team, a partnership, a family, successful.

            With all that in mind. Its great to talk about principles but beyond that, what do we do now? So what?

           

First, identify those people on the teams, in your workplace, even in your family that you either resent, don’t favor, somewhat avoid, blatantly ignore, whatever the degree of dislike is, that you don’t love like we mentioned. Now how much to you know about those people? I’m guessing it’s the same for you as it was for me, and if it is, you know very little. Now this is where it gets hard. But this is what makes the difference between successful teams, relationships, partnerships, etc.

You have to reach out to them.

My guess is you don’t say hi, ask these people how they’re doing, say bye, see ya tomorrow. Am I right? So that’s step two, and be genuine. Ask how they’re doing, and pause, physically stop and listen for a moment as they respond.

            Keep that up, build up a little memory folder on them, what they mention, so you can bring it up again. Begin to ask about people in their life, things they like to do, search after what gets them excited, really delve into who they are, what makes them different than anyone else on the team.

            Now what if it’s a spouse, a good friend, a partner? Its kinda different, you’re working together all the time, or the love and care has faded. Don’t skip the steps that we just mentioned. It starts there. But now, when they mention something, seek after more. Show interest in their opinion, repeat it back in your own words, try and expound on it, or ask why they think that. Show that you are genuine in getting to know them. Find small ways to interact outside the normal and routine, small points that you can begin to grow a connection other than around the board room.

            I can promise, as you start this, genuinely seeking after these people, trying to understand them, you will begin to want to help them. You’ll learn about their goals, dreams aspirations, and be able to help them in those. You will begin to love them, because you now know them.